the silences in between…

I have had much to be grateful for recently.  I give you Exhibits A, B & C:

Exhibit A:  jag in berlin

Exhibit B:  jag in paris

Exhibit C: jag in london

I shared these, and many more images, on my personal Facebook page while I was travelling last month.  Friends and family ooh’d and aah’d at all the right times.  Their comments and “Likes” reminded me of how fortunate I was to be doing this, and how much they enjoyed “tagging along”. I do not come from a family of travellers and I don’t think I ever dreamed I would have these opportunities in my life.  Clearly, I live a charmed and blessed life.  And my Facebook status updates reflect that.  Gratitude abounds.

But how many have noticed the silences in between…?  I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I’m feeling less inclined to post on Facebook these days and I wonder if anyone even notices.  And does it matter if they do or not?  Not really.  But *I* am taking note of the silences and I’m realizing that, for me, this is where the messy stuff of my life lives.  If you were to think you knew me based on my Facebook page, you’d only know a small part of me – the part of me that wants you to see that I’ve got it all together.  But the reality is that the awkwardness and discomfort of my life lies in the silences in between.

Should I be any less grateful…

…for the days after my trip when it seemed I could never get enough sleep?

…for being surrounded by loving family at Thanksgiving and wanting nothing more than to curl up in a quiet room somewhere, alone?

…for the discomfort that comes with learning to become fearless in relationships?

…for the tension that comes with not feeling that I am doing enough?

…for the resistance to accepting life on life’s terms?

…for the fear?

I don’t share these thoughts or experiences on Facebook.  I have no images to post… no smiles to share.  All I have to offer is silence.

I guess I just need to put it out there – that I *am* grateful, even in the silence.

I *am* grateful for the awkwardness… and the discomfort… and the messy-ness… for these are the things that bring me closer to my God of Love.  These are the times when I cultivate trust. And strengthen connection. And practice presence to the One who demands only presence.

Let it be known that I am grateful for the silences in between.

jag